what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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