Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
