my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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