Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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