so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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