he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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