somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
