so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The best revenge is premature balding
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
