I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Drake has all the answers
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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