Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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