Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
