I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
