So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
