if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize