I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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