just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
