Sober January is a disaster.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
