Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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