well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
