I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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