: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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