he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
