im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
