Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
