I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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