Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
