fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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