worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
