Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
