Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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