Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
