Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
