oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize