sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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