I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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