My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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