just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
