is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
