I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
