i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
