Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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