Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
