Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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