Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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