I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
