I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
