he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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