Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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