Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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