I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
