I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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