Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
organizing the empties. That sober.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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