You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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