I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
