The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
