i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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