i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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